my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
