Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
