If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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