My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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