If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
