Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
