and you said cock pushups were impossible
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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