She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
