btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
