kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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