capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
