Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sext me about skeletons
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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