saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
