sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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