What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
