You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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