I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
