That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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