I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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