So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
