im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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