then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
