You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
