I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
