Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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