i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
