You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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