You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
