you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
