Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
