between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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