Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
