No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
