i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
