I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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