I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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