I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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