this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
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Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize