I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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