I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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