you have to choose: penises or morals?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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