Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
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If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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