just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
