Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
