You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
