My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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