I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
