Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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