I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
