Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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