I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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