You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
