I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
