You really coming over, don't trick.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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