Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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