Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
