Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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